Friday, December 24, 2004

My brother has, of late, been playing the Nintendo Gamecube game "The Legend of Zelda: Wind Waker".

I kept referring to the main villain as "Zanon" instead of "Ganon".

Only a few of you will understand why.

Wednesday, December 15, 2004

"...What day is it today? Don't tell me you've forgotten...."
"Why? Is today special?"
"Is it a holiday?"
"Ohhh, it is a most unholy day, indeed! This date will be forever remembered for bringing something terrible into the world!"
"Uncle! If you want us to celebrate your birthday, you should just say so!"

Tuesday, December 14, 2004

One of the slides from my CS 251 class:

Advanced Topics: Other Justification Techniques

  • Proof by Excessive Waving of Hands

  • Proof by Incomprehensible Diagram

  • Proof by Very Large Bribes
    - see instructor after class

  • Proof by Violent Metaphor
    - Don't argue with anyone who always assumes a sequence consists of hand grenades

  • The Emperor's New Clothes Method
    - "This proof is so obvious only an idiot wouldn't be able to understand it."

Our professor also mentioned other proofs, such as proof by intimidation and proof by obfuscation. But he said we shouldn't try that until we become grad students.

Sunday, December 12, 2004

"Chocolate-covered communion wafers--the Flavier Saviour!"
"I see! An alien class reunion! A Buddhist monk roasting fish... a beautiful girl standing outside the 3rd story window... and snow-women coming out of lockers?
It's not as if that's the first time that's happened!"
[Josh] Hey, how come you don't let me say things like that?
[Me] 'Cause you're not gay like I am.
[Benji] *nods, then after a moment looks up* Are you?
[Me] No!
[Benji] How should I know! How many of your girlfriends have I met?
[Me] How many have I had?
[Benji] Well, there you go.
[Me] *pause, then clap hands to head in horror* Oh my god, it's TRUE!

Thursday, December 9, 2004

Via Bob Harris:

The secret to eternal youth is repeated blows to the head.

Which explains a lot about Duck, really.
Best explanation of Chanukah ever.

Tuesday, December 7, 2004

Debora disclaimer

Some proof that Jesus hated pigs and their owners.

Jesus's family values

More of Jesus's family values

Jesus was a vampire! If you drank his blood, you became immortal.

Another Thanksgiving anecdote

Over Thanksgiving, my step-brother Benji, mom and I got into a conversation about religion--in specific, Judaism--after we Googled "rabbi AND prayer AND porn" to find the prayer that Shlomo Eliahu composed for visiting porn sites while visiting the web.

In the midst of this conversation, Benji noted the above phenomenon wasn't terribly surprising, since Judaism has a prayer for just about everything. As an example, he explained that after God flooded the Earth, he created a rainbow to symbolize to Noah the promise that he would never do it again. So according to the rabbis, whenever you see a rainbow now it means that God is reminding us that the only reason he's not smiting us like a red-headed step-child is because he said he wouldn't. We are supposed to therefore recite a prayer in thanks.

I like to think that said prayer goes something like this: "Blessed are you, Lord our God, who does not give us the smitings we so richly deserve."

I have also of late discovered that (at least according to The Infancy Gospel of Thomas) Jesus was not a very nice child. He was exceptionally arrogant, insulting, and had a habit of cursing or killing people that made him angry.

I am convinced that Jason should make a movie based on this: Jesus as a rebellious teenage biker.

Monday, December 6, 2004

In my Data Structures course, the professor recently asked us to guess what it means to perform an amortized analysis of something. Since we didn't know what amortized meant, he told us to guess what that meant.

Paul noticed that it had the fragment 'mort' in it, so he conjectured that it involved killing someone.
I rebutted that it also had the fragment 'amor' in it, indicating that we're loving something.
So we compromised and conjectured that it involved necrophilia.

As it turns out, it doesn't.

Saturday, December 4, 2004

When most organizations solicit for money, they present a checklist with options that are generally increments of 25, or 10, or 50, or some such.

Hillel, on the other hand, presents the following checklist in their request for your money:
$1800__ $720__ $360__ $180__ $118__ other__

Friday, December 3, 2004

[Nobody] "Aren't you cold?"
[Me] "The burning sensation in my chest keeps me warm!"
[Nobody] "'Burning sensation'? What's that, love?"
[Me] "No. Hiatal hernia."