Showing posts with label entertaining. Show all posts
Showing posts with label entertaining. Show all posts

Thursday, December 4, 2008

It was bound to happen

Representative Ros-Lehtinen received a phone call from President-Elect Barack Obama. And hung up on him.
When President-elect Barack Obama called Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen at her South Florida district office Wednesday, she hung up on him.

"I thought: 'Why would Obama want to call a little slug on the planet like me?' " Ros-Lehtinen said.

A short time later, Rahm Emanuel, Obama's designated chief of staff, called. Ros-Lehtinen hung up on him, too.

"I thought it was one of the radio stations in South Florida playing an incredible, elaborate, terrific prank on me," Ros-Lehtinen said. "They got Fidel Castro to go along. They've gotten Hugo Chavez and others to fall for their tricks. I said, 'Oh, no, I won't be punked'."

...

A man, who Ros-Lehtinen said sounded like Obama, got on the line and congratulated her on her reelection and said he was looking forward to working with her as the ranking Republican member of the House Foreign Affairs committee.

The conversation lasted just a minute when Ros-Lehtinen cut Obama off, telling him she wasn't falling for the hoax and that he was a better impersonator than the guy on Saturday Night Live.

Then Emanuel called, and she hung up on him. It finally took Rep. Howard Berman, chairman of the Foreign Affairs Committee, to persuade Ros-Lehtinen that the president-elect indeed wanted to talk to her.

"I asked Howard to tell me a private joke we share about colleagues in the House to make sure it really was him," Ros-Lehtinen said. "When he did, I realized it was the real deal."

Ros-Lehtinen said she then told Berman: "I know this sounds very presumptuous, but please tell President-elect Obama he can call me now and I will take his call."

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Saturday, November 22, 2008

Family values in action

I love it.
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Thursday, November 20, 2008

Your liberal media at work

CNN: "Bush has cooties"

Via Bob Harris
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Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Don't ask why I posted this; I don't know either.

[The scene is the inside of a house, in a living room. It's a cold winter night, and snow falls softly outside the window. A solitary figure, GRIEVING MAN, sits slumped in a chair, staring at a frame.

A knock at the door disturbs him, and as he moves towards the door he sets the frame down on a table, next to a bottle of Coke. The camera pauses to let us see the frame, holding a picture of JEAN, and the Coke.

GRIEVING MAN opens the door to reveal ZOMBIE JEAN. It's clearly the same woman as in the picture, but her movements are stiff and sluggish; her head remains stuck at an angle; her skin has a grayish, dead hue. When GRIEVING MAN sees her, he is aghast, and quickly begins sobbing in joy]

GRIEVING MAN: Oh my god... Jean? I thought I'd lost you...! The car crash--how did you--?

ZOMBIE JEAN: [eyes flickering past GRIEVING MAN to the Coke on the table, moaning in zombie fashion] Coookkkeee....

GRIEVING MAN: [ushering ZOMBIE JEAN into the house] Oh, yes! Of course! Come in. [ZOMBIE JEAN begins chugging the Coke, while GRIEVING MAN rambles and weeps uncontrollably] I've missed you so much. I can't believe you're still here; I could've sworn the doctors said you were DOA. Maybe I'll sue them, what do you think, dear? Oh god, it doesn't matter, now that you're here, now that you're back. [ZOMBIE JEAN finishes the Coke, turning the bottle upside down to verify that there's not a single drop left, and her eyes turn towards GRIEVING MAN] Everything's going to be all right now!

[CUT to the outside of the house, the snow still dusting the lawn and the house. We can see GRIEVING MAN and ZOMBIE JEAN's silhouettes through a lit window, with ZOMBIE JEAN advancing on GRIEVING MAN. GRIEVING MAN's voice is low and muffled, just a background noise, since we're outside the house now]

GRIEVING MAN: [suddenly unsure] Jean? What're you...?

[The silhouettes move past the window, as Coke's logo appears on the screen, over the roof of the house, and the NARRATOR speaks in a voice-over, reading the words on the screen]

NARRATOR: Coke!

GRIEVING MAN: [panicking, shrieking, though still a muffled background noise] Oh god, no! Jean! Stop!

[What can only be blood splashes the inside of the living room window, as the next line of text appears under the Coke logo on the screen, and the NARRATOR reads those lines, too]

NARRATOR: We'll bring your loved ones back from the dead.




[The scene is a warm spring day, outside in a park. People are walking their dogs, or taking a stroll, or sitting on the benches feeding the birds, or some--like HEALTHY MAN--are jogging down the track. The camera follows HEALTHY MAN as he goes on his route, leaving the park and jogging down the sidewalk, occasionally jogging in place when he gets caught at a light.

The scene cuts to the inside of HEALTHY MAN's apartment, staring at the inside of his door, which soon opens as HEALTHY MAN enters. The camera follows him as he strides over to his refrigerator and picks out a nondescript bottle]

HEALTHY MAN: Ahh... nothing like vegetable juice after a good morning's jog!

[HEALTHY MAN tilts his head back to drink, raising the bottle to his lips slowly. The liquid is about to reach his lips, when suddenly the camera cuts to his door as it is broken down and three HIRED GOONS charge into his apartment]

HEALTHY MAN: Hey, what the--? Who the hell are you? What are you doing?

[The HIRED GOONS don't speak. Instead, the first one to reach HEALTHY MAN snatches the bottle of vegetable juice from his hand and smashes it over his head.]

HEALTHY MAN: AAAH! Oh god! Oh my god, what the fuck did you do that for? Ahh! I need to go to the hospital!

[HEALTHY MAN begins to stagger away, towards the phone, but instead HIRED GOON 1 and HIRED GOON 2 ambush him and begin beating on him, and he cries out in pain at each of their blows. The camera cuts to HIRED GOON 3, who opens the fridge and takes out the rest of HEALTHY MAN's vegetable juice, then pours it down the sink. The muffled sounds of HEALTHY MAN's cries ensure us that his beating is still taking place.

Finally, the camera cuts to a clear tabletop as HIRED GOON 3 slams a bottle of Coke onto the surface. The bottle remains in focus as HIRED GOON 3 retreats into the background of the camera, joining HIRED GOON 1 and HIRED GOON 2. The three HIRED GOONS continue to kick HEALTHY MAN, who is now curled into a fetal position; the ongoing beating is out of focus as the camera focuses on the bottle of Coke]

NARRATOR: [voice-over] Coke: don't make us come down there.




Now I just need to figure out who to pitch these to.
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Tuesday, April 29, 2008

Behold, the next Uri Geller!



Via the JREF.
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Monday, March 31, 2008

It's funny because it's true

After all the calls for having a "dialogue on race" in this country, Sadly, No! has a post up with a transcript of that dialogue.

You can feel the racism melting away with each instance of a white person using the word "nigger". Or Canadian.
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Tuesday, February 12, 2008

Tuesday Fake Racist Blogging: C.H. Dalton's Office Hours



That's what happens when you don't buy the book.
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Wednesday, February 6, 2008

If the government can steal your money, how is it there are PYGMIES + DWARFS??

Oh my god! A creationist--but for taxes!
But think for a moment. Were you actually present when the 16th Amendment was ratified? Or were you not yet born, like me? Unless you were actually present for the entire process, you really have no way of knowing whether it was properly ratified, you only have documentary evidence to go on. And that requires trusting a whole laundry list of interested parties, most of whom we will all remain unaware of.

Isn't that brilliant reasoning? Makes me want to try it out myself. Here goes!
But think for a moment. Were you actually present when your father was born? Or were you not yet born, like me? Unless you were actually present for the entire process, you really have no way of knowing whether he was really born, you only have documentary evidence to go on. And that requires trusting a whole laundry list of interested parties, most of whom we will all remain unaware of.

It's conclusive! This troll couldn't possibly exist, because there's no evidence that his father was ever born. I mean, sure, there are "birth certificates", but those are used by the government. And since the government has done some bad things, therefore everything that any government bureaucracy ever prints immediately becomes suspect. All evidence that supports the clear fact that his father was never born has been locked away by "interested parties" that "we will all remain unaware of"... because they're invisible! And all evidence that contradicts the obvious truth of the non-existence of this alleged person's father was forged by evil government officials bent on destroying people who dare to attack the evil establishment!

Isn't logic fun?
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Tuesday, February 5, 2008

Tuesday Fake Racist Blogging: C.H. Dalton on Cartoons



Buy the book and no-one gets hurt.
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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

Tuesday Fake Racist Blogging: C.H. Dalton on the Concept of Race



Probably not the greatest of the lectures, but I think my brother will get a kick out of the line "these critics, mostly P.C. types and tree-hugging Jewish homosexuals--some Wiccans".

Buy the book.
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Tuesday, January 22, 2008

Tuesday Fake Racist Blogging: C.H. Dalton and A Message for the Kids



Buy the book.
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Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Tuesday Fake Racist Blogging: C.H. Dalton on Ranking the Races



I tried to make out the entire list of races on the blackboard, but couldn't. So I asked Professor Dalton. Here's my letter to him:
Professor Dalton,

In your latest video, "Ranking the Races", I'm afraid that I can't quite make out the list of the lesser races. Here is my guess as to what you've written on your blackboard:
1. Whites
2. Blacks
3. Indians
4. Arabs
5. Hispanics
6. Asians
7. Jews
8. Merpeople
9. Gypsies
10. Cablinasians
11. Gays
12. Women
13. Bratz
14.
15. The elderly
16.
17. Muggles

I'm afraid that I can't quite make out 13-17, and without this knowledge, how am I to know whom I should scorn worse? Could you please provide the full list?

Thank you.

And here's his reply:
Dr. REDACTED:

Yes, I'm afraid the Jew-run Internet doesn't provide the kind of resolution needed to show all the subtleties of my video scholarship. The end of the list should read as such:

13. Bratz
14. Sasquatches
15. The Elderly
16. Draculas
17. Puggles

Muggles are merely "non-Wizards," and therefore not a race. Nor are Wizards -- it's really more of a skill set.

I hope this clears things up for you. Use the list in good health.

Once again, buy the book. Don't make me hurt you.
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Tuesday, January 8, 2008

Tuesday Fake Racist Blogging: C.H. Dalton on Video Games



Probably my favorite lecture so far.

Buy the book.
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Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Tuesday Fake Racist Blogging: C.H. Dalton on Jews



And he didn't even mention that Jews make baby Jesus cry.

I've said it before, and I'll say it again: buy the book!
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Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Boxing Day Fake Racist Blogging: A Review of A Practical Guide to Racism

I've been plugging C.H. Dalton's A Practical Guide to Racism for four months, ever since I found out that the website was on-line. Well, today I finally received--and voraciously read--my copy of the book.

Having watched the videos and read the missives he puts on the website, I was prepared to read a hilarious book; having read this lukewarm review of the book, I was braced to find something less entertaining. I am happy to say that I found the book far funnier than did Mr. Harvilla. It may not be skin-tinglingly offensive, but that's because it was never meant to be--if Mr. Harvilla wants to be offended, he can spend his time lurking around VDare or Stormfront. A Practical Guide to Racism is meant to highlight the absurdity of racism, the broad and arbitrary division of the races, the various harmful stereotypes that are applied willy-nilly to the various races, and the horrified objections that many whites have to trying to repair these mistakes through, for instance, affirmative action. In this regard I believe it succeeds handily (I was chuckling at most every page, and guffawing on quite a couple). It also manages to get in a few shots at the Iraq war, the Arab-Israeli conflicts, the Minutemen, the objection to gay marriage, Guantanamo Bay, and other such political brouhahas.

The book is written in a Stephen Colbert-style shtick, with the author being professor of ethnography C.H. Dalton. Given this and how often it subverts pop culture, history and law to make its point, sometimes it is difficult to tell what is real, what is real but taken out of context / switched around, and what is completely made up. However, because of the catholicity of material it draws upon, the book can be enjoyed by people more familiar with pop culture and less familiar with dead racists than I. Then again, a passing familiarity with racism both contemporary and historical would help you understand some of the material, as Mr. Means did quite a bit of research into the subject before lampooning it.

It is a short read, coming in at 200 pages, which include the seven appendices. By the way, if you are tempted to avoid reading those, resist that urge. The appendix which lists racial and ethnic slurs is hilarious; he gives the slur, which racial group it's applied to, and a fake etymology. I only wish there were more slurs for Merpeople in there.

Some of the material used in the video lectures is lifted directly from the book. So I'd say that if you enjoyed those videos, definitely buy the book. Also, Dan Bakkedahl does a perfect C.H. Dalton. I found myself reading certain paragraphs in his character's voice, and it may add a certain enjoyment to hear those sections in that tone.

In short, buy the book. It comes out tomorrow and is only $20.
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Tuesday, December 25, 2007

Tuesday Fake Racist Blogging: C.H. Dalton on Food



Buy the book! It comes out on Thursday.

And here is Professor Dalton's recipe for hobo stew.
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Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Tuesday Fake Racist Blogging: C.H. Dalton On Dark Alleys



Buy the book.
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Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Tuesday Fake Racist Blogging: C.H. Dalton On Stereotypes



Buy the book, people.
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Saturday, October 20, 2007

C.H. Dalton knows the score

Amen, Professor Dalton:
This week, I'd like to address what I see as a disturbing trend: same-sex miscegenation. Miscegenation has been a legally recognized fact of life in this country for tens of years (and God bless Alabama for holding out as long as it did), but it's come to my attention that more and more young men and women are coupling with other members of the same sex who are members of different races.

...

They may call it "love," but nothing is more abominable in the eyes of God than when a dreadlocked white lesbian scissors with her dreadlocked black lesbian life-partner on their coarse, hemp blankets. These sick, unnatural couples must be stopped before they pollute our children and our gene pool with their unholy union. Don't ask how--they'll find a way.

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Wednesday, September 5, 2007

It's all fun and games

...until somebody loses an eye:
During his junior year at Harvard, William Hickoring Prescott's left eye was blinded, and his right eye permanently weakened, by a crust of bread hurled during a food fight.

--"The Representation of Mexicans and the Transformation of American Political Culture, 1787-1848", p. 236
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