Dead Racists Society

On Thanksgiving, my step-brother, his girlfriend and I were discussing Harry Potter.

I raised the question of whether there are any Jewish students at Hogwarts. Every year they have a dozen giant Christmas trees, but no giant menorahs. Don't any of the students complain about discrimination? This led to us considering who at Hogwarts might be Jewish.

Benji suggested that if there were a giant menorah, it should be in Hagrid's window. He also thought Lockhart might be Jewish... I still don't get that. He also found very amusing the mental image of Shacklebolt, sitting stiffly at a typewriter in the Prime Minister's office, with a kippah on his head. But then again, Benji also thinks that Shacklebolt doesn't look like this; which is ridiculous. Of course Shacklebolt looks like that! Saying otherwise is like saying that Jason Carter wouldn't have made the perfect Sirius Black! He even looks like a Sirius.

I suggested Mad-Eye Moody was Jewish. It would explain his paranoia: "The Arabs are out to get me... the Christians are out to get me... the Muggles are out to get me... the Death Eaters are out to get me..." In that vain, Benji suggested Filch, saying it could contribute to his sense of persecution.

I also brought up my theory that the students at Hogwarts are pansies. They know the Summoning Charm, but what do they use it for? Fetching their brooms. Never fetching a Death Eater's heart (Ha! Let's see you hang onto that, Bellatrix!). And when surrounded by twenty Death Eaters, what do they use the Reductor Curse for? Blowing up bookshelves! Why not use it to blow up the Death Eaters? Or at the very least their wands!

These powers are wasted on those dull-witted, unimaginative ninnies! I could kill people so efficiently if I were them!