Friday Dead Racist Blogging: Bearded Edition

Look at that Grizzly Adams, huh? Look at how confident he is, how majestic. Lois, I'm gonna grow a beard.

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It's time I joined the ranks of great men with beards. Why do you think Jesus Christ was so popular? 'Cause a' all them magic tricks?

--Peter Griffin, Brian Wallows and Peter's Swallows

Chuck Norris was the fourth wise man, who gave baby Jesus the gift of beard, which he carried with him until he died. The other three wise men were enraged by the preference that Jesus showed to Chuck's gift, and arranged to have him written out of the bible. All three died soon after of mysterious roundhouse-kick related injuries.

--Chuck Norris facts

The Caucasian can be confounded with no other Species, for though in some localities climate and other causes darken the skin sometimes with a dark olive tint, extending, as with the Bedouins, and the Jews of the Malabar coast, to almost black, yet the flowing beard, more constant than even color, projecting forehead, oval features, erect position, and lordly presence, stamp him as the master race, wherever found.

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Another peculiarity of the negro is absence of beard. The Caucasian is really the only bearded race, and this is the most striking mark of its supremacy over all others. All other races approximate to it in this respect, but the typical, woolly-headed negro, except a little tuft on the chin, and sometimes on the upper lip, has nothing that can be confounded with a beard. Negroes are sometimes seen with considerable beard on their faces, but it should be remembered that it is common to call all who are not pure Caucasians, negroes. Bearded negroes have a large infusion of white blood. A negro with the flowing, dignified, and majestic beard of the Caucasian, would indeed be a curiosity, and about as amusing a specimen of humanity as it is possible to conceive of. If Sumner & Co. expect to make anything of Sambo, they must strike for "equal beard" for him as well as for "equal education," or "equal voting." When they have endowed the negro with the full and flowing beard of the Caucasian, there will be some prospect of the success of their efforts in "reconstructing" the races.

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All the European nations are Caucasian, Pelasquin, Hellenic, Teuton, like the more modern Celt, Germanic, and Sclavonian, as the nations of our own time. French, English, Russian, Spanish, &c, are simply Varieties of the great bearded and master Species of human kind. These Varieties are simply the result of chance, of time, climate, religion, and political institutions; in a word, of external circumstances, in contradiction to Species, as Mongols, Malays, Negroes, &c.--the work of God.

--John H. Van Evrie, Anti-Abolition Tracts No. 5: The Six Species of Men, 1868. Reprinted in John David Smith, Anti-Black Thought, 1863-1925 vol. I, 1993.