Won't somebody please think of the saplings?

This was published in my school's paper today:

Fellow representatives,

Around the area, some local trees have started to bud months early. The actions of these wayward saplings are detrimental not just to themselves, but also the community. These malcontents must not be allowed to contaminate our society.

The few trees making the conscious decision to bud in the winter are not normal trees. There is something very wrong with this decision. God intended for these trees to bud in the spring, and that's what they should be doing. Going against God's will is a decision that will render dire consequences for these trees after their time on Earth has passed.

These trees want us to believe that they didn't choose to bud in the winter. These trees want us, a God fearing community, to believe that something inside them, something innate, actually forced them to bud. Scientists say budding this winter is normal for trees; the mild weather patterns have dictated as much. But we know in our hearts this is false. Budding in the winter goes against everything we stand for as a Christian society.

This problem cannot be swept under the rug; it must be faced head on. There is an imminent threat that these trees will infect other, more impressionable trees, with their disgusting lifestyle. We cannot stand for this. This is an attack on our very way of life. If the influence of this small group of trees goes unchecked for any longer, nobody will be safe. Even the offspring of our society’s most devout trees could decide to be one of these "winter sprouters."

A new trend, equally troubling, is that within the past few weeks, a significant movement within our own ranks has been growing. This movement would like to accept winter sprouters as part of our community. Starting with groups of liberals from the East, forests have started passing legislation to give the winter sprouters the same rights as us. We can only counteract this with our own legislation.

Today, I will be introducing a motion to Congress to amend our Forest Constitution of Indiana to prohibit winter sprouters from obtaining the same rights as normal citizens. If this bill is passed, the final decision to amend the constitution will be made by the entire population of our great forest in a vote.

The initial step must be made. Please, for the sake of our families and children, do not allow these winter sprouters a place in our society. They will utterly destroy everything that God has worked so hard to create for us. Disregard the mounting cries of scientists and liberals from other forests. These trees defied God by choosing, yes choosing, to bud early, and they must pay. We must make a statement. We will let the world know that our honorable Forest of Indiana will not tolerate this disease of winter sprouting. Pass this motion to strip winter sprouters of their rights, and may God have mercy on their souls.