Dead Racists Society

From this comment at Ex-Gay Watch, comes this letter. It was allegedly sent by someone to Dr. Laura Schlessinger (Yeah, remember her? Me neither. Thank the Flying Spaghetti Monster for small favors) after she declared homosexuality a mortal sin because of Leviticus 18:22). Some versions of have it addressed to President Bush.

Dear Dr. Schlesinger,

I'm writing this letter to personally thank you for your educational work regarding the Bible and God's laws. I learnt a lot listening to your radio shows and I tried to share your precious advices with as many people as possible.

From now on when someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle I always remind him/her that in Lev. 18:22 it's clearly said that homosexuality is a mortal sin: end of the discussion. I now feel so relieved I need to ask you for some more precious advices regarding specific God's laws and how to apply them.

1) I would like to sell my daughter as a slave as it's said in Exodus 21:7. What do you think it could be a good and fair price?

2) When I give fire to a bull on a sacrificial altar, I know from the scripts that this produces a pleasant smell for God (Lev. 1:9). My problem is that my blaspheme neighbors sustain that the smell is not as pleasant for them. Should I hit them violently?

3) I know that I cannot have contacts with a woman during her periods (Lev. 15:19-24). My problem is how might I ask this specific thing to her? Many women feel insulted.

4) Lev. 25:44 says that I can have slaves, both males and females, but I have to buy them in foreign countries. A friend of mine says that you can do that with those coming from Philippines but not with the French people. Could you help me to better understand it? Why I cannot have French slaves? [In most versions "Philippines" and "French" are replaced by "Mexico" and "Canadian", respectively; it was often forwarded with the title "Why can't I own Canadians?"]

5) A friend of mine insists he wants to work on Saturday. Exodus 35:2 clearly says that he should be killed. Am I morally obliged by law to personally kill him?

6) A friend of mine thinks that eating seafood (especially lobsters) is a mortal sin (Lev. 11:10) but less mortal than being homosexual. I don't agree because I really hate lobsters. Can you guide me in this dilemma?

7) Lev 21:20 says that I cannot get close to any God's altar if I have serious problems with my sight. Do I get any benefit if I say I use glasses showing the prescription or my sight has to be perfect, period? Do you have, let's say, any "easy" solution to the problem?

8) Most of my male friends use to shave their heads including the hair next to their ears even if this is clearly forbidden (Lev. 19:27). Which is the best death sentence I could use with them?

9) Lev. 11:6-8 says that I become impure if I touch the pork's dead skin. When I play soccer, football, basketball, etc. should I wear gloves?

10) My uncle owns a farm. He is a sinner (Lev. 19:19) because there are two different kinds of vegetables in the same garden. His wife as well violated Lev. 19:19 because she wears dresses made with two different kinds of fabrics: cotton and acrylic. My uncle also says the name of God in vain so many times. I really think it's a pain in the neck try to collect all the inhabitants of my town to stone both of them as the sacred scripts say. Should I really do that? Couldn't I simply burn them when they sleep as Lev. 20:14 suggests for people sleeping with other people of the same blood?

I know you studied so deeply these topics, so I'm pretty sure you will be able to answer my very simple questions.

I use this opportunity to remind everybody that the words of God are eternal and unchangeable as you suggested so many time reading the Bible.

Sincerely yours,